I've officially been 30 for two days. My landlord asked me today if I felt any different and I don't. I feel the same way I felt 3 days ago when I was 29. I normally love celebrating my birthday but this year I've had mixed feelings. On one hand, turning 30 feels like a huge milestone. Like this is the age when you should have your life together and finally feel like a real adult.
I've changed so much in the last 10 years. 20 year old me would be shocked at the life 30-year-old me has. But my life now and who I am is so much better than what I thought I had ahead of me. I am so grateful that my life changed its course. If I had the life 20-year-old me wanted I would be miserable and still carrying my childhood trauma in silence.
A couple months ago I decided that I wanted to do a 30 Things I've Learned In 30 Years. I wasn't sure if I was going to post it, I just wanted to do it for me. But after writing it I had to post it.
I've had a crazy life and it's not even close to being over. I am thankful for the lessons I've learned and the changes that have come from those lessons.
So here's to my 30's!
May they be another adventurous chapter in my story.
1. I was born free (not a sinner)
One of the first things you learn about the bible is the story of Adam and Eve. The first humans that God created. He gave them a place to live called the Garden of Eden. They were free to live peacefully with only one rule, they were not to eat the fruit from a specific tree that contained the knowledge of good and evil. Eve disobeys God and eats the fruit after being taunted by a snake (Satan). She gives Adam a taste which he takes willingly. This is the first example of the patriarchy in the bible. When God confronts them about their disobedience, Adam blames Eve for giving him the fruit. Sound familiar? Men have literally been blaming women for their screw-ups since the beginning of time. Because they disobeyed God’s command Adam and Eve are sent out of the garden, which basically means that God left them, and the rest of humanity was condemned to be sinners. This is is what Christians call the “original sin.”
It’s taken me years to get rid of this fucked up belief. I had no idea just how much this belief affected how I felt about myself. When I let go of this deeply evil lie, my eyes were opened. I now know that I was born free and good.
I was not born a sinner.
2. Being emotional does not make me weak.
My whole life I’ve been told that I’m too emotional like it’s a bad thing. Our world has made us believe that showing emotion and vulnerability makes you weak. But it does the exact opposite. Being honest about your feelings is one of the bravest things you can ever do. Now when someone tells me that I’m too emotional, I simply say thank you.
3. I do not need to set myself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Women are trained from a young age to take care of everyone else. Always make sure the people around you are okay. Our feelings aren’t supposed to come first. Every woman has a story where they stayed silent instead of speaking out because they were scared. A couple years ago I started going to a new massage therapist near my work. The receptionist talked me into signing up for a year, so I’d get a discounted rate. Which meant I had to go at least once a month. The therapist was nice, but she used so much pressure that it made the massage painful instead of relaxing. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So instead of asking her to use less pressure, I stayed quiet and endured the pain. Every appointment I go into promising myself that I'd say something this time, but I never did. Eventually, too much time passed so I felt like I couldn’t say anything
Keeping yourself warm and safe should always be a priority. If the people around you demand that you give them your warmth then take your warmth elsewhere.
4. Walk my own path
My life is my own and only I can decide how I live it. My journey might not make sense to the people around me, but that’s okay. You do you and I’ll do me.
5. Celebrate the small things.
Life is short and filled with a lot of hardship. So, when good things happen it’s so important to celebrate them.
6. I never know what war the person next to me is fighting.
Shit happens. Sometimes it’s a lot of shit. The point is that you never know the hardships other people are dealing with. Don’t make assumptions and don’t judge.
7. Go with the flow and live in the moment.
This has never been an issue for me. I’ve always taken whatever life threw at me and lived in the moment, never worrying about what’s next. But I don’t always stop and really take in the moment. Stop and smell the roses, and maybe the tulips and the lavender.
8. Do not stress about what you have no control over.
Some people feel more stressed about the things they can’t control, while others don’t even let it both them. I’ve always been somewhere in the middle. When I was taking driver's ed, my instructor told me that no matter how good of a driver I am, I can’t control what the person in the car next to me is doing. Not being in control can be scary. But worrying about it takes up a lot of energy. Like Elsa said, “let it go.”
9. Don’t be so hard on yourself, I am doing the best I can.
I’ve never been a high achiever in school. My report cards from high school will back me up on this. But when it comes to the other things in my life, I can often feel like I’m not doing enough even when I am. Life always has a way of reminding me that doing my best is all that’s required.
10. Fully embrace my human design and live in my authority and strategy.
Discovering my human design was a life-changing moment for me. It was like the last piece of my life puzzle had been found. I am a Manifestor with Splenic Authority. Manifestors are a rare type and so different from the other types. Splenic authority is literally your gut feeling. I’ve always had a strong intuition but didn’t always listen to it. After learning about my authority, I started listening to my intuition more closely. Since I’m so different from the rest of the types, people don’t always understand my decisions. I don’t need to explain myself, but I should inform the people around me of what I am doing. This is not about asking for permission; it's simply letting people know where I'm going and if they want to come along great. If not then I'll just keep on going.
11. I am not for everyone and that’s okay.
This is the first thing my Human Design coach Allison said to me during our session. I had a huge “aha” moment once I let that revelation settle. I have always been different and struggled to fit in. But now I know that I’m not supposed to fit in, and I don’t need to be someone else for people to like me. I am me and if you wanna hang with me, then great. If not, that’s okay, I’m just going to do me.
12. Asking for help is okay.
I don’t know if it’s the firstborn gene but asking for help has always been difficult for me. I still struggle with it. But I’m learning that leaning on my people is okay. We are all doing life together so we should be there for one another.
13. Let go of what does not serve me.
It’s easy to let things in life weigh you down. One of the things that I’ve learned over the last few years is that I only have so much energy to give. Living with mental illness and trauma takes so much out of me. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, showering, and eating all take up a lot of energy. Whatever I have left should be going towards the things and people that matter. I have become very picky about the people I let into my life and the things I commit myself to. I do not have time for things that don’t matter.
To quote one of my favourite actresses June Diane Raphael, “I will not take that on.”
14. God did not save me, I saved myself.
I’ve gotten myself to 30 with a lot of pain, sweat, and tears. I have survived and continued to fight. Me. Myself. I did that and I continue to do that every single day. An imaginary god does not get the credit for all my hard work. He didn’t do shit.
15. It’s okay not to be okay.
No one is happy all the time. Life is messy and hard. There are days when you just can’t face it and that’s okay. Give yourself a break. Pretending just takes up the energy you need for more important things. So the next time someone in your life asks you if you’re okay, instead of smiling and saying good, be honest. They may not be doing well either and now you both have someone to talk to.
16. Comparison is a waste of time.
If we were all the same, then life would be pretty freaking boring.
17 No is a full sentence.
Period.
18. Healing is not linear.
I grew up being taught that God can heal everything. All you have to do is ask him and he will heal you and then everything will be fine. But that’s bullshit. I will be living with my childhood trauma in some form or another for the rest of my life. Some days I feel like I can rule the world, while others I can't even get out of bed. Healing is a journey that has lots of twists and turns and ups and downs. Be gentle with yourself and be present for the journey. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
19. Forgiveness is not a requirement for healing.
I spent my early twenties trying to find the healing, my religion promised me. I went on healing weekends, retreats, and conferences. I spent a lot of money in the hopes that the next thing would be the one. Forgiveness is a huge part of Christianity. Remember original sin? Well, that is something we were always being reminded of. We were born sinners and instead of condemning us, God took mercy on us and forgave our sins. His son Jesus died for those sins so the least we can do is forgive other people’s sins. If you don’t then you make it hard for God to bless you. If something is wrong the first thing you are asked is, “do you have unforgiveness in your heart?” God will not heal an impure heart.
I believe there is a huge difference between forgiving your sibling for hurting your feelings and forgiving the man who sexually abused you as a child. One of the last church healing things that I tried was a one-on-one session with my pastors at the time. They had me write down my abuser's name on a piece of paper and while shredding it, I had to say out loud “I forgive you.”
Years later after a lot of real therapy, I’ve learned that I do not need to forgive my abuser in order to continue my healing journey. He does not deserve my forgiveness and I can be free without it.
20 My trauma does not define me.
I don’t know if I will ever fully believe this. What I went through as a child destroyed my life before it even started. I never had a chance to live a normal life. But these are the cards I got dealt and I work hard every day to continue to survive in it. Maybe one day it will stop ruling my life.
21. My body belongs to me.
Me. It’s mine. It does not belong to an invisible God, my future husband, or the government. I am the keeper of my body and only I get to decide what is right for it and what isn’t.
Do the right thing, even when it’s hard.
My parents taught me that even when the right thing isn’t popular it is always the best solution. My intuition knows and when I listen to it, my conscience is clear.
22. My beauty is not a number on a scale.
I was a size 2/4 my entire life. Never worried or cared about my weight. But a few years ago, when I started taking medication to help with my mental illness, I began to gain weight. Weight gain is one of the major side effects of one of the medications. In less than three years I went from size 2/4 to size 16/18. It was a huge change. I had to get a new wardrobe (yay shopping!) and completely changed how I dressed. I started only wearing leggings, and baggy shirts, and sweaters. I’ve went from being indifferent towards my body to fully hating it. I’ve been told by multiple people that I should just stop taking the medication so I can lose weight. But that is not an option. This medication helps me get out of bed every day and sort of function like a normal person. I am not ashamed to admit that I need medication and if weight gain is the only downside, then I’ll take it. Childhood sexual trauma destroyed my connection to my body, and it’s taken me a long time to even get to a place where I can reconnect it. I don’t know if I’ll ever love my body the way I’m supposed to. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I don’t know if I’ll ever get far enough in my healing journey to have a physical relationship with someone. I don't know when I will finally be able to call my body home.
23. Self-care is not selfish.
I’ve spent the last 2 years really focusing on taking care of myself. Getting a massage, a facial, or going to a meditation class are some of my favourites. A couple friends even dubbed me the self-care queen. After years of putting everyone else first, I’ve realized how important taking care of my mental and physical health is. Choosing yourself should always be your priority.
24. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it…yet.- Lucy Maud Montgomery
Word.
25. Don’t shut down compliments, accept them.
Even though my main love language is words of affirmation, I still struggle with this. I have to constantly remind myself to stop and really take in any kind of compliment.
26. I do not need to lower my standards…EVER.
All the right things and all the right people will always meet your standards. If they don’t, then they aren’t worth your time.
27. Trust my intuition. It’s always right.
Thanks to discovering my human design, I am now fully tapped into my intuition. Sometimes things don’t make sense, but this is what keeps me safe and it never lets me down.
28. There is always time for laughter.
Need a laugh? Go watch a stand-up comedy special on Netflix. I recommend Quarter-Life Crisis by Taylor Tomlinson.
29. Always choose love.
Our world can always use more love.
30. I am enough.
Yes, I am.
